A bit of Humor

K

Kdog

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Apr 26, 2013
Messages
1,809
Location
SW Ohio
I laughed myself silly when I first read this. I then shared it with a neighbor who is married to a Scottish Gal. He got a good laugh so I felt it worth sharing. BTW, my wife is also Scottish by way of the Tennessee Scots.

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....

***************************************************
The second man married a Thai girl.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....

*****************************************************

The third man married a girl from Scotland .

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything.
The second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
 
U

Uncle Grump

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Joined
Apr 20, 2010
Messages
232
A little old lady went shopping at her local grocery store, selecting 3 cans of cat food. She took her cans to the checkout counter, and opened her purse, expecting to see the clerk ringing up her purchase. Instead, she heard the clerk calling for a manager. The manager came over, there were several whispered exchanges between them. Finally, the manager spoke.

"Ma'am - our company has a policy regarding the purchase of cat food by the elderly - you see - we want our elderly customers to eat healthy, and not eating cat food, so we require proof of existence of a pet before we can sell it to you".

The lady left the store, and later in the day, returned carrying a basket, which contained a orange tiger stripe kitten, with a blue bow on its neck. "This is Punkin" she announced, "as she was born on Halloween...". The store staff rushed over, petting Punkin, and admiring her. The clerk rang up the cat food, and the lady left with her purchase.

Two weeks later, the lady returned, this time she had cans of dog food, and to her distress, the same thing happened - once again, the store manager refused to sell her the dog food, with out proof that the lady owned a dog. She was decidedly unhappy when she left the store, but returned with her dog on a leash. The store staff promptly rang up her purchase, and the lady left, muttering on her way out the door.

A week went by, and the lady returned, carrying a small box. She went to the nearest clerk, and demanded that the manager be called. When the manager showed up, she held up her box and said "Put your finger in that hole", showing the manager a hole in the side. The manager hesitated - "There nothing in there that will snap or bite me?" he asked.

She shook her head "no" and tapped the box with her finger. The manager complied, feeling something soft and squishy. He removed his finger, and saw a brown substance on it. A horrible odor filled the store. "Is that what I think it is?" he asked.

"Yes it is" she said. "I need toilet paper, and figured you would want the proof for that too!"



UG
 
H

hookup

Well-known member
Joined
May 22, 2012
Messages
2,757
Location
VA
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT, USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. (REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.)

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

....AND, A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING. BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
 
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